Memories
by Rainbow Ninja Mizuki
Summary: Hawke's been cursed all her life, a whole year erased from her memory over a friend she can't remember. Slowly she begins to force the memories to the surface.F!HawkeMageXFenris
1. Chapter 1

**Mizuki: Thank God! I've taken care of most of my stories so I get to do the stupidest thing ever. MAKE ANOTHER ONE!**

**Fenris: Are you sure that's the best idea?**

**Hawke: Never ask her that question. I've been talking to the others, and she's battier than Meredith. **

**Mizuki: Woah, woah! Let's not go over board here!**

**Varric: Yes, let's **_**not**_** accuse the crazy fangirl who kidnapped us all in the middle of the night even after we've been hiding from the chantry for so long of being insane.**

**Mizuki: -.- You obviously weren't hiding well. You got caught and blabbed your guts out to some crazy chantry lady.**

**Everyone :YOU WHAT?**

**Mizuki: While they chase Varric, let me announce that I own nothing.**

I never told anyone about where my tattoos came from, those intricate green markings that wove themselves just below my emerald eyes. I just appeared with them one day. Out of the blue. Mother was furious, but Father . . . said nothing. He merely looked at them and questioned. "Where have you been this week?"

I opened my mouth to answer, only to realize that I had no idea. In fact, many of my more minor memories for the entire year had completely blurred themselves beyond recognition. "It's official," Father said, taking in the markings. "Those aren't tattoos, their markings. Someone's cursed you into forgetting something." He took my chin in his hand and made me look him in the eye. "Perhaps it has something to do with that friend you've been meeting?" His tone made it obvious that, though he knew of this friend, I had told him nothing.

Usually, I'd have made a quirky remark. Probably something about my snooping getting me into more trouble than I could handle . . . again, but something felt wrong. "I don't . . . I can't remember anyone." Without warning, tears began to fall from my eyes, surprising both my father and mother, as I hadn't cried since I was a babe. The minute Carver and Bethany had been born, I'd stopped myself mid-cry. Father said it was scary, like I automatically knew I didn't have the courtesy of crying anymore.

I felt like something was very wrong. There was something I was supposed to do, something I was supposed to say, but I simply couldn't pull the task out of my mind. My hand unconsciously reached out for another's, but that hand wasn't there. I heard a voice shriek in my mind _he's not here _but couldn't remember who _he _was.

The next year, Father never mentioned what had happened. He said that such a spell could only be broken by two people: the caster and the victim. Either I would have to find the caster of the spell (unlikely, considering that I didn't remember them either) or I would have to force my memories to the surface through intense meditation, but that would take years.

That was how my companions found me one day. Sitting in front of the fire, my armor and staff hidden away, my eyes closed, my hair lose from its usual bun, humming my own mantra.

"I never took you for one to meditate," Varric commented, setting Bianca down to sit on my sofa as they all took their own seats, Isabela and Aveline sitting on opposite ends of another sofa, poor Merril stuck between them, while Anders went next to Varric and Fenris took the only chair.

"Yes, I find it comforting to sit in completely boring silence to stare at the inside of my eyelids until my nose bleeds." I rolled my eyes as Orana came into the room.

"Mistress! Did you get another nose-bleed!" She was a constant worry wort and quickly rushed over to make sure I was fine.

"No, Orana. I was merely joking with the others. If I did, I would have asked for another towel. Do not worry yourself so much."

"Do not tell me not to worry myself Mistress, " she said sternly. "The last time you went into your little 'meditating state' you stayed there for three days!" she shook her head. "Your mother was worried sick about you!" Looking to the others, she pleaded with them. "Please stay longer than normal. As long as there are others around, perhaps she'll keep the meditation to a minimum." With that, she left us to our conversations.

"She's become much bolder," Aveline noted. "I remember when we found her, all scared and feeble. Now she's scolding you!"

"After she had to take care of my first nose bleed, I think she started getting frustrated with my complete inability to take care of myself."

"What's that about?" Anders asked, curious. "You're not trying to learn a new spell or something are you? There are easier ways."

"Not learn a spell," I replied. "I want to _break _one. The one _someone_ used to erase my memories when I was sixteen."

I instantly saw Fenris stiffen, as he always did when someone mentioned magic used in such a way. This time, however, I saw a flash of anger cross over his face. "You don't seem to angry over this," he mused. "You seem almost content."

"Oh, trust me, I'm pissed. When I find the blighter who did this, I'll be sure to set him on fire before I kill him. I lost an entire year, and father thought he knew why."

"Care to share?" Isabela asked.

"There was a boy," I answered. Before Isabela opened her moth again, I cut her off, "Not like that." Her face fell at the fact that she didn't get to mess with my head anymore. "I don't remember him clearly, but I do remember that he was my friend. Father said I'd been going out to visit him almost every day for the whole year. Sometimes . . . I'd take healing potions and herbs with me. He must have gotten hurt a lot, but I can't remember. The only things I can recall from that entire year are a quiet field I've never been able to find, a song I've never heard before or since, and cutting someone's black hair.

"Frustrated as I was with the whole thing, I'm sure Father was more frustrated. I once heard him tell mother that he was more angry over the fact that someone got close enough to his little girl to mark her without any of his spells going off, which means he must have been old and powerful.

"Ever since I've made a habit of going into meditation at least once a day, trying to figure out what happened. Every day it's something new. A face, or a lyric to the song I mentioned. Last year I got all the memories of my family back, along with some of the ones with the other people in Lothering, but when it comes to that boy . . . I can't see anything."

"What an awful thing to do to a person. The Keeper told me about such spells. They're forbidden, as memories are a precious thing. To place one on a mage before her adulthood is . . . cruel."

"Is there any way to get your memories back faster?" Aveline asked. "Surely the way things are now, you'll never find this boy."

"The only way to break the spell is for me to force my memories to the surface or for the caster to lift it. I've got no idea who did it, so I'm going to have to figure it out on my own." The crest fallen looks on their faces pushed me to put an end to such a somber conversation. "So, who thinks they can beat me at speed?" smiles breaking out on their faces, a flurry of people came to challenge me at one of the only three games I ever beat any of them at.

As such, no one but I noticed that Fenris, probably still frustrated with my lack of action, stayed in his seat, silently watching me win.

It was that night that I had the dream. I laid to bed and for no reason at all, whispered the words I'd only just remembered. **(A.N. This song is actually called ****Aimo**** from the anime Macross Froteir. It was too beautiful not to put in a story.)**

_Aimo Aimo_

_Ne de ru rushe_

_Noina meria_

_Ende protea_

_Fontomi_

_Koko wa attaka na_

_Umietao_

_Ru rei rureia_

_Sora oba hirbari_

_Wan na ita_

_Ru rei rureia_

_Hoba iwa a _

_Shashni to rikono_

_Aimo Aimo_

_Ne de ru rushe_

_Noina meria_

_Ende protea_

_Fontomi_

_Koko wa attaka na_

_Mumeno okuri ne muru_

_Ookina ookite _

_Itsuku shimiwa_

_Tsunabu he no_

_He na no_

_Oun da de_

_Shizukari _

_Maya sabashe o_

_Koko wa attaka na_

_Umietao_

_Aimo Aimo_

_Ne de ru rushe_

_Mukashi mina_

_Hito tsudata_

_Sekae ohite_

_Attaka na sola ta yo_

The quiet lullaby slipped through my lips thoughtlessly, lulling my into a sleep that revealed more than those three years of meditation.

_ I run through the trees as quickly as I can, the sound of footsteps quickly behind me. Once again, my stupid need to know everything about everyone had gotten me in a big mess, letting me be witness to a bunch of robbers setting up camp not too far from our cottage at the edge of town._

_ As if the Maker wanted to punish me for nosing around where I shouldn't, I tripped over a root, my ankle twisting painfully. Before I can get back up, a hand grabs my wrist and yanks me forward. Fearing it's a thief, I prepare a mental blast, only to be met with the face of an elf I'd never met before._

_ He was quite handsome. His hair is a thick black that spiked at certain spots and fell in front of his eyes. Those eyes! People told me my eyes were captivating, but they obviously hadn't met this boy. His are a green so beautiful, I find myself staring into them before shaking my head and reminding myself that this certainly is neither the time or place. _

_ With out a word, he pulls me forward. Staring at him, I see that he surely isn't from Lothering, as no one there has a tan as golden as his. A sharp pain in my ankle stops my thoughts and, despite my attempt to smother it, he hears my tiny whimper of protest at the movement of my leg._

_ He stops to look at me. Seeing that I'm favoring my leg, he quietly whispers, afraid to alert the robbers. "Are you hurt?" I nod silently, not wanting to speak, not for my pursuers, but because I know it would shake it I did. His low, smooth voice had an effect on me no one's ever had, despite the attempts of some of the farm boys in town._

_ Not waiting for another answer, he scoops me up and begins to run with me in his arms like it's nothing. I press my face to his chest to hide my scarlet face. Bollocks! Since when I had started acting a . . . teenager? I had shared perverted innuendo with the whores in the city, out cursed sailors, and even gone skinny dipping in a river once! A single boy picks me up and suddenly I'm acting like I can't handle myself._

_ A voice calls out from behind us. "Stop right there, kiddo." Looking over his shoulder, I see the leader, sweating from the chase and breathing heavily. "I don't care 'bout no slave, but that girl seen too much. Just put 'er down and we won't even beat ya like we do e'erone else."_

_ My anger flares at his words. So what if he was an elf? So what if I was a girl? It doesn't give them a right to treat us like this. "Put me down," I whisper in his ear, as I mentally chant the new spell Father taught me. "I'll be alright," I say, as he stiffened at my request. "Just promise me you won't hate me."_

_ I feel him nod slightly before gently setting me on my feet, though he keeps a firm grip on my arm. Smirking widely, I look at the group as they come together. Perfect. "You wanted easy prey right?" I ask. "Shouldn't have judged me so poorly." Without warning, a blast of fire shoots out from the middle of their herd, taking out over half of them. The rest rush at me only to realize that I'd recently perfected my new favorite spell: Cone of Cold._

_ Staring at their frozen faces, the boy turns to me with a look of shock on his face. "You're an apostate." He says. His tone, shocked and scared, makes me rush to fix it all._

_ "Please don't tell the templars!" I plead. "I don't care about what happens to me, but they'll take Father and my little sister! Please don't turn me in!" He opens his mouth to speak, but I don't notice. "I promise I'll pay you for what you've done. I've little money, but I get paid for my hunts in two days! If you'll just wait until then –" He puts his hand over my mouth, stoping the flood of words from continuing to spill out._

_ "You owe me nothing," he says. "I promise I won't tell the templars you're here." He looks at me. "My master, a magister from Tevinter, would beat me to the ground if I did."_

_ Taking his hand off my mouth I glare, not at him in particular, but in some unknown magister I've never met. "I would rather you turned me in than keep my secret for so horrible a reason." A look of confusion falls over his face. "I hate slavers, slave owners, and people who agree with them. No person has the right to own another, race be damned."_

_ A smirk falls over his face. "Perhaps, but I've learned not to question my fate." Seeing I was not happy with that answer, he quickly added, "But, I am grateful for your words. Let them be my payment."_

_ I open my mouth to answer when I notice the mark on his shoulder. "Oh Maker! You're bleeding!" Without thinking, I ghost my fingers over what little of the mark shows before he brushes me off._

_ "It is nothing," he says. "Just a scratch."_

_ "Just-a-scratch my ass! That's a wound!" I see him open his mouth the correct me, but cut him off. "Oh no," I say, sitting him underneath a tree. "You're staying right here until I get my things from home. It's not too far from here. If I see that you've moved, I'll hunt you down and tie you to the tree. That needs to be looked at."_

_ Whether it is the slave in him, or I'm really that scary, he sits and I find that he's there when I return from the house with the first aid basket. "Alright, let me see it." I see him thinking over his choices and say, "If you don't take the shirt off yourself, I'll do it for you." A moment goes by before the blush sets in and I realize just what I've said. "That . . . did not come out as threatening as I wanted it to."_

_ He chuckles as he lifts that shirt and I'm glad I'm already blushing. His torso is tight and covered in muscle. It's no wonder he was able to carry me so easily! He turns his back and I see that the scratch is far too long to be from an accident. It reaches from his left shoulder to his right hip, the angle and depth intentional as someone meant to hurt him._

_ "I'm guessing your master did this?" I ask, dipping a cloth in a potion before gently cleaning the wound._

_ "I was foolish. I ought to know better." His voice is void of emotion, but I can tell that, deep down, he doesn't believe that._

_ My hand acts on it's own, coming up to hit his head. It wasn't meant to hurt, or teas. Only a repremand I usually gave Carver when he got a little too sword happy and wound up hurting someone. "Don't lie. I don't care if you lie to yourself when I'm not around, but don't do it in front of me. We both know that nothing deserves this type of treatment." He is silent._

_ "Thank you," he says eventually, after I've finished dressing the wound. "That's the first time someone other than my sister has cleaned my wounds. Even Mother refuses."_

_ "I'm deciding not to comment on that," I say as I put everything back in the basket. "I do believe I've gotten in enough trouble for one day."_

_ Now he actually laughs. Not a chuckle like before, but a pure laugh. The sound bounces off the trees and makes me shiver in a way I never knew I could. "You are a strange girl. I'm glad to have met you." He looks around, and I see his face change from amused to determined. "If you do not mind, I would like to see you again some time. My master and family will be here for about a year. If you do not mind sharing you company with an elf."_

_ I smile, glad that he trusts me enough to offer me the liberty to see him again, though I inwardly frown at my glee to have the option. "I would not mind." I turn to leave, but turn to shout back at him. "Oh, I forgot. I'm Hawke!"_

_ He turns and smiles, the sight giving me chills. "Leto," he answers, before disappearing into the mist._

I shot up in bed, the memory fresh in my mind. "Leto," I whispered. The name sounded so familiar on my lips that I whispered it again. "Leto." This time, I noticed the tears in my eyes. Who was that boy? Who was he that I began to cry at the thought that I'd forgotten him? I had not cried since I found out about the spell. What was so important about this boy that he had me sobbing?

I didn't see the others that day. I was too afraid to. Most of them would notice right away that something is the matter. I loved them all like family, but I didn't think I could handle their remarks on this mysterious boy, so I went to the one person I knew wouldn't filter their thoughts to make me feel better: Carver.

After asking Knight-Captain Cullen, I learned that he was on his day off, spending it, big surprise, in the training center. When I got there, he was joking with some of his fellow templars, one of whom I recognized as Keran, the boy we'd saved from the mages.

Saddly, he notices me before Carver. "Serrah Hawke," he said, surprised. "It's good to see you again."

"Hello Keran," I answered. "Would you boys mind terribly if I kidnapped my brother for the day? Mother's been wailing for the past three days."

Carver automatically got ready to argue, but his fellow templars all but threw him at me with assurances that they didn't mind at all. "You can't let me live my life, can you?" He demanded hotly as we reached the gardens. "I try to get out of your shadow and you –"

"I remembered his name," I blurted out. "The friend from that year I lost my memory, his name was Leto."

Carver looks at me with this look of shock. "I remember you talking about a Leto once. You gave him my sword one day. It was old, so Dad didn't put up a fight, but I threw a fit."

"I barely remember that. All I remember is you getting mad at me for giving your sword away."

"Well," he said. "How'd you meet him?"

"You remember those bandits that were found in that clearing, frozen and burnt?"

"Of course I remember," he replied. "Dad threw a fit so big even I was scared. You swore you had nothing to do with it. He believed you because you'd been having a hard time with your ice spells back then."

"Yeah, well, apparently I was better than he thought. I ran into the bandits, but I got hurt when I was running. Out of nowhere, this guy picks me up and starts to help me run. They caught up with up and I just . . .acted. I didn't even think about it. After that I dressed this gash he had on his back and we promised to meet up the next day."

"Did you?" he asked.

"That's the problem," I answered. "I don't remember."

"So you came here because . . ."

"I wanted to see if I'd mentioned Leto before. Mother doesn't remember anything." I sigh. "Why did I keep him such a secret? What happened that I didn't trust any of you with him?"

"I don't know." He answered. "Honestly, I don't care either." Without another word, he stomped off, leaving me there alone.

"Nice to see you too."


	2. Chapter 2

**Mizuki: I'm back**

**Aveline: Why?**

**Mizuki: Because I'd been waiting to write this story for about 2 months, and I got GREAT feed back, so LightsAurora, Shacary, Bronze Angel, FarieChan, and Alaskantiger, YOU ALL GET TO BORROW FENRIS FOR THE DAY!**

**Fenris: 0.0 WHAT!**

**MIzuki: Consider it my apology for having bad grammer skill and not checking my work. I own nothing.**

It was three more days before I dreamed of him again. This time, I sang of my own choice, desperate to see him again, even if they were just memories. My eyes closed and the fade overtook me.

_I run all the way to the clearing the next day, desperate to see him again. He is there, waiting calmly. "Hello again," he smiles. Offering his hand as I sit down next to him. I don't let go even then._

_ "Come here often?" I ask, the jokester in me rearing it's ugly head. "I'm sorry," I apologize, my face red, "Sometimes stupid things find their way from my addled brain and out of my mouth."_

_ "Like threatening to take someone's shirt off?" He asks, chuckling. "It is fine. I have heard far worst jokes from old men who don't know when they're too old to live." He stops as he speaks and I realize he probably just said something he wouldn't normally say in front a stranger._

_ To his relief, I laugh it off. "I think I've know who you're talking about," I say. "One of them is my grandfather." My face hardens as I think of Mother's father. The things I know of him aren't comforting._

_ "You do not like your grandfather?" He asks, puzzled. "Why not?"_

_ "He's not the biggest fan of my father," I explain. Not hesitating to tell my thought to this stranger. "He was trying to marry my mother off to a stranger when they eloped. He knows they're here, but he never writes or visits. My grandmother died two weeks after Carver and Bethany were born. He didn't even tell us. My uncle Gamlen wrote the letter." My hands fist some grass as the other tightens around his. "I don't care about the stupid gezzer, I never have, but Bethany . . . she wishes she could have his approval." I glare at the ground, as if it is responsible for my family's problems. "He would never give it."_

_ I would continue on, but Leto does the most unexpected thing. He takes his hand from mine and wraps me in his arms. His hands fiddle with mine in my lap as his torso presses to my back. Surprisingly enough, I don't push him away. Had anyone else tried this, even Carver, I'd have hit them, but there is something about him that makes me trust him. It is like some unknown force, compelling me to put my fate in his hands, so I lean back into him and tell him everything I can think of._

_ "Mother was a noble woman in Kirkwall. She says she met Father by accident, though they won't tell us how. I think they like to keep it their little secret. The twins take after her with their hazle eyes and black hair. She's always afraid of having Bethany or I taken away. She dotes on Bethany and Carver all the time. I may be the first born, but they're her babies. Sometimes, I get kind of envious of them. She treats them with such care, such love. It's like she's afraid they'll break, but not me. Noooo, I could never need such care. I can handle myself. I think Father's the only one whose ever treated my like a child._

_ "I get my magic from Father. He's the one I take after. I've got his brown hair and eyes. He always teaches me anything I ask about. He knows I can handle myself, but he still dotes on me because he knows that, sometimes, I want to be treated like glass._

_ "Bethany might be made of glass. She's so fragile and easy to hurt. She's a mage like me, but not nearly as strong. She can only do really minor spells. I worry about her. She thinks she can take on the world, but I know she can't. I'm always worried that, if we ever do have to fight for our lives, she'll get herself killed. She's sweet though, and is far kinder to me than Carver._

_ "Now Carver hates being treated like glass, but soaks it up just to rub it in my face. I think he just doesn't like me anymore. When he was a little kid, he used to cling to me constantly, Bethany too. They used to hang on my legs and make me walk with them sitting on my feet. They'd randomly crawl into my bed at night, even if they didn't have nightmares. One day, though, Carver came home and he wouldn't speak to me. After that, he became obsessed with fighting. He insisted that I had trapped him in my shadow and that I was trying to keep him under my thumb._

_ "I don't think I've ever been so hurt. Carver was like a son to me, since mother and father were always so busy with work, so hearing him say that just tore at me. He spends all day with his swords practicing. I'm waiting for him to see reason, but I'm starting to wonder if he ever will."_

_ Throughout my rant, Leto sits quietly, listening with only the skill that someone who's spent their entire lives listening to others can have. When I mentioned Carver's change, he must have heard something in my voice because he put my head against his shoulder and ran his fingers through my hair, his nimble fingers messaging the scalp beneath._

_ When I finish, the sun has almost set and we agree to meet the next day. I'm practically dancing on the way home. There's something about Leto that makes me want to see him, be near him. It's stronger than gravity or a spell; I don't know what it is. _

_ That night, while the others are sleeping, I steal into my painting room and sketch the image of the two of us in the meadow. That way, I'd never forget that day. I go to sleep and wake up early to see him._

_He's there, like the other day, just waiting to see me. We sit there and talk about trivial things, I don't dare bring up his own life, for fear that I'll chase him away, I almost don't want to know. I don't want to think of the horrible things that those people might be doing to him when I can't be there. The thought makes me run cold and I push it away. Now is not the time for such thoughts._

_ We meet like that for weeks, and weeks turn into months. Soon, I see more of him than I do of my own family. Sometimes, we only see each other for an hour because of work, sometimes, we'll stay until noon, but on other days, those wonderful, free days, we can meet as early as sunrise and not have to part until sunset. It is a day like this, after months of our friendship, I decide that Leto deserves to have someone to talk to about his life away from me._

_I look at him and ask him about his life. He tells me of his sister, much like Bethany in many ways, and his mother, who, in my opinion, cares more for her master than she does her son, and his master. He never told me his master's name, but I knew he was cruel. He said his master had an apprentice who would mock him. She was the one who had cut him yesterday, though he wouldn't tell me what. _

_ I'm not mad that, despite my honesty, he's hiding things from me. I know he's only doing it to protect me. It makes me ask him though, why he doesn't want me there. Surely it would be better to have a friend there as well as here._

_ "You will never be a part of that world," he says angrily, grabbing my face in his hands and pulling me up to his face so we were mere inches apart. "I won't let them taint you like that. I won't." He places his forehead on mine as he closes his eyes. "This is enough. Just knowing I can come here. Being with you these days . . . they're enough. I dare not ask you for more."_

_ I gently place a hand on his cheek and he opens his eyes. "What if I want more?" I ask. Instead of answering, he puts his lips to mine._

_ The kiss is gentle at first. Despite my fascade in town, it's my first kiss, so when he runs his tounge along my bottom lip, I involuntarily gasp. That's when the kiss changes. It switches completely from innocent and chaste to hot and passionate. We sit there like that for what seems like a lifetime, sharing moans and nips as we explore the new world we've opened to each other._

_ Eventually, he sighs and pulls away, earning a whimper from me and I almost fallow him. "Look at the sun," he says. I do and see that I have about five minutes before my family realizes that I'm gone._

_ "I don't want to leave," I say, hugging him to me tightly. "I only just got you to myself."_

_ He chuckles. "You can have me to yourself again tomorrow, but it will have to be at noon. I cannot risk them finding you." With that, we kiss once more and say our good byes. Father sees me come in and asks where I've been. For the first time in my life, I lie to him. _

_ Leto and I spend the rest of our days together. The more we meet, the closer we become. He still won't tell me anything about his life as a slave, but I like the idea of being protected for once._

_ It is far from perfect, though. Many times, I have to sneak back to the house and grab healing supplies so I can dress the wounds they give him. I try to keep a strait face, but he often sees through it and tells me not to worry. I wonder what happened with his sister. Didn't he say that she would dress his wounds?_

_ "I like it better when you do it," he says, seeming embarrassed. In reply, I fling my arms around him. _

_ "Look at this," I say, pulling a locket I bought at the market the other day. I open it to show two pictures, one of him and me, in our meadow, staring at the sky, and another of him, smiling upwards. "I drew them yesterday. This way, I'll always have you close at hand."_

_ One day, he asks me to cut his hair. I first, I almost cry. His hair is so smooth and silky, to cut it would be a crime. He then points out that, if it isn't cut soon, his master's apprentice, will do it instead. The thought of her anywhere near his face with a sharp object pulls me to cut it._

_ "Some day," he claims, as I stare sadly at his now shorter hair, "I'll be able to grow it as long as I want it. You'll never have to cut it then." That is the first time he's ever spoken of the idea of being free._

_ He sings to me often. Always, it's this lullaby I try to memorize, but I always have trouble on certain parts. The words, I remember, it's the sound that goes with them that's confusing._

_Aimo Aimo_

_Ne de ru rushe_

_Noina meria_

_Ende protea_

_Fontomi_

_Koko wa attaka na_

_Umietao_

_Ru rei rureia_

_Sora oba hirbari_

_Wan na ita_

_Ru rei rureia_

_Hoba iwa a_

_Shashni to rikono_

_Aimo Aimo_

_Ne de ru rushe_

_Noina meria_

_Ende protea_

_Fontomi_

_Koko wa attaka na_

_Mumeno okuri ne muru_

_Ookina ookite_

_Itsuku shimiwa_

_Tsunabu he no_

_He na no_

_Oun da de_

_Shizukari_

_Maya sabashe o_

_Koko wa attaka na_

_Umietao_

_Aimo Aimo_

_Ne de ru rushe_

_Mukashi mina_

_Hito tsudata_

_Sekae ohite_

_Attaka na sola ta yo_

_ I ask Leto to teach it to me, but he only laughs and promises that he'll teach it to me one day. As frustrating as his words are, I force myself to accept them and let it go. He will teach me when we're both ready._

_ One day, I come to him as it rains and he's been hurt beyond anything I can repair without magic, but I haven't even learned first-aid. Without thinking, though, my hands ghost over his injuries and I watch as they all heal easily. When he looks at me, with those kind eyes, I do something I've never done in front of another person. I sob into his chest. "I hate this!" I scream as he holds me. "I hate that they hurt you so much! I hate that I'm always so scared they'll find us and take you away! I hate them!"_

_ "I know," he says, "Just a little longer. I'll be free soon, so just wait for me until then, okay?"_

_ "What?" I ask. "Leto, if you run, they'll kill you!" I grip at his shirt tightly as rain begins to fall onto us. "I can't lose you Leto; I can't!" I've never felt so weak, so scared. Leto brought out the best in me. He brought out the trust and love, but, sometimes, he brought out the worst too. My hatred for his master, my fear of losing him, my weakness at the thought of living my life without him, they all rise to the surface when he's near._

_ "I'm not going to run." He answers, "I'm going to fight. My master is having a contest of warriors. I'll win enough money to free both me and my family!" His face falls. "I will have to train, though. I won't be able to see you for weeks." _

_ "Wait one second," I say jumping up, "I'll be right back." Running over to the house, I jump in, grab the sword I bought Carver, and ran back. "Use this," I say, handing it to him. "Carver never uses it, and Father said we should give it to someone who would. Use it, and win your freedom."_

_ Throwing the sword to the ground, he kisses me with a ferocity he never had before, and I meet him greedily. There, with the thunder covering our screams, we went to a place neither of us had ever been before._

_ When I woke up, I was laying with my head on Leto's chest as he rubbed my back. "Are you alright?" he asked carefully. "I know that must have hurt. I'm sorry." _

_ Pushing myself up, I kiss him gently. "I don't care, it was wonderful." He smiles at me._

_ "I want to teach you that song," he says suddenly. "That way, when you get lonely, you can sing it and think of me."_

_ I nod my head eagerly. I listen intently as he teaches me the words. "Aimo, Aimo," he says. "It means 'my darling, my darling.'" He cups my face. "I love you."_

_ "I love you too."_

_ We part once again, though this time is more painfully than the rest. The fallowing week is pure torture for me. Father and Mother are the firsts to notice and automatically want to know what's wrong, but I don't tell them. Leto and I agreed that it would be best if they didn't know that their apostate daughter had fallen in love with a slave. There was too much to worry about in the first place._

_ Bethany notices next, though she is far more subtle about it than Mother and Father. She merely shakes her head and rants under her breath about how depressing I am becoming._

_ Even Carver has been worried after a while. He even forgives me for giving away the sword in an attempt to make me smile, but nothing works. The only time I allow any joy to fill me is when I lie in my bed and quietly whisper the lullaby. That is the only time I think of my elf. I assure myself he will come. He will be a free man, and we won't have to hide any longer._

_At the end of the week, I run out to the field, not even bothering to tell my family that I'm leaving, as I'm gone before any of them are even awake. I reach the clearing, break through the trees and . . ._

And the maker has the balls to wake me up before I can remember. I got ready to begin cursing him when Merril's voice stopped me. "Oh, Maker! You're awake! Everyone! She woke up!" She ran to my side and I saw that she was crying. "We were so worried for you! Orana said you went to sleep last week and didn't wake up! We tried everything!"

"HAWKE!" Fenris ran into the room, no armor, in only a shirt and trousers. "Thank the maker!" He rushed to my other side and told Merril. "The others went to Anders' clinic to see if they could find something out. Go find them."

Nodding her head, Merril rushed out of the room to find the others. Fenris held me tightly. "Don't ever scare me like that again Hawke," he said. I grab the fabric of his shirt tightly.

"He was a slave," I said. I felt him move to look at me, but held him in place so he wouldn't see that I was crying. "The boy, Leto. He was a slave from Tevinter. He went to fight for his freedom so we didn't have to hide and . . ." I trailed off, too afraid to speak.

I know he wanted to say something, but if Fenris knew anything about people in general, he knew when they just needed silence, so he called for Orana, told her to tell the others that I was not well enough to see them yet, and simply held me as I cried.

Fenris and I never spoke of that day again. We never even shared a moment alone together. Then we left for the wounded coast to hunt some bandits and get me back on my feet. We were met, however, with slavers who'd come for Fenris.

"You are in possession of stolen property," The man said. "Back away from the slave now and you'll be spared."

Feeling like my old self at the thought of a good fight, I turned to Fenris. "They'll never learn, will they?"

The fight that ensued brought me back from the past. I still felt the hole in my heart where Leto had been, but it brought me back to me senses and let me put the mask back on.

Fenris was furious. He beat a poor boys face into the ground, demanding to know where Hadriana was. When he was told, he snapped the boy's neck, a fitting punishment for someone who worked with slavers.

The battle to Hadriana was fierce. Fenris charged forward without any regard for his safety. When we finally reached her, it was a far easier battle than I thought it would be.

When Fenris finally knocked Hadriana down, she looked at me. "Wait! I have information! I will exchange it for my life!"

"The location of Denarius? What good would it do me? I would rather he lost his pet pupil."

"You had a lover and a sister," she said quickly, making all of us freeze. "They're alive. You allowed us to give you those markings so you could be free. We didn't tell you that you would lose your memory. We had you meet the girl and erased her own memories of you. We freed your sister and mother using your boon. I will tell you where they are."

I saw Fenris look at me and shook my head. "This is your call."

"So I have your word? I tell you and you let me go?"

"You have my word," he said.

"Your sister's name is Varania. She is in Qurinus serving a magister by the name of Ahriman."

"And the girl?"

"Look behind you," she said. "The very girl you've been traveling with for these three years was the girl who told you to get those markings. Leto."


	3. Chapter 3

**Mizuki: Sorry I took so long. Writer's block is a wall I never climb easily. It took me a while to decide how I was going to have Fenris react to the fact that he and Hawke loved each other.**

**Fenris: Am I truly that complex?**

**Hawke: YES!**

**Mizuki: Many thanks to Anya, SpikeDawg45, FarieChan, LightsAurora, Jem Jemz, and KaeliRed. And, though I don't even know if they come onto here, many thanks to Steph01423 and Novemberless on YouTube for uploading ****Fenris October and April**** and ****Illuminated {Fenris?Hawke}****, which were this chapters theme songs, I swear.**

**Beck-Beck: As a reward, YOU ALL GET VARRIC FOR A DAY!**

**Varric: WHAT?**

**Mizuki: However, LightAurora and FarieChan, since you reviewed the last chapter as well, you get him for a week!**

**In the distance: WOOOOOOOOOO!**

**Mizuki: Thank you for being such loyal readers. Now, I own nothing, this story does not reflect the thoughts or actions of Bioware, etc. etc. etc.**

The others had left us alone after we'd gotten out of there. Not making a single comment about the revelation as we sent up camp for the night. Even Isabela, who I almost _hoped _could make a joke out of this was eerily silent, proving that this was far more serious than I wanted it to be.

Fenris was Leto. Fenris, the broody elf who never seemed to smile when he thought people were looking, was Leto, the boy who had made me smile far more than I ever thought I would. The thought made my head spin so fast I almost dropped my staff.

As soon as camp had been made, Fenris grabbed my arm and pulled me further into the forest, not caring about what the others thought, though I'm sure they knew what we were going to talk about.

"Is it true?" He asked me. His grip on both my arms tightening. "Am I really Leto?"

"I–I don't know. I can't tell."

His face twisted. "You said you loved this boy. You cried for him, when I know you didn't even cry when the Circle took Bethany away **(A.N. Bethany survived the ogre attack only to be taken by the Circle while Hawke was in the Deep Roads. Carver went to the Templars to keep an eye on her) **and yet you cried for him. Now you want to tell me that _you don't remember him!"_

I couldn't stop myself, I snapped at him angrily, a habit I thought I'd put aside years ago. "It's not that easy damnit!" I screamed, yanking my arms out of his grasp. We stared at each other before I finally calmed down and saw both the familiar and unfamiliar features I found in this man. "Y-Your hair," I managed out. "It was black, and they made you keep it short." As I spoke, I carefully stroked the white strands that now fell in front of his eyes. "You made me cut it once. I cried."

A look came over his eyes. They began to look at me, not as Fenris had, like I was a leader and nothing more, but as _Leto_ had, like a lover. "Yours was never in a bun," he whispered, untying the ribbon that held my dark brown hair out of my face. "You may have hated how it felt on your neck, but you needed something to fiddle with, and you couldn't get any necklaces at the time because Bethany would have borrowed it." His fingertips grazed over my eyelids, picking up some of my green eye shadow along the way. "Your eyes were always so bright and happy, especially when you were talking about your family."

I mirrored his movements, "Yours were darker, sadder, yet, sometimes, far more happier." I out my hand on his cheek and he tilted his head into the warmth. "Your skin was lighter. You'd been spending far too much time in Lothering."

"Your was darker. You would never spend a whole day inside. You'd have killed yourself." He lightly touched my staff. "You couldn't stand staffs. You were always trying to do magic without them. Said they were too much of a hassle to carry around everywhere."

I touched his sword. "You barely knew how to hold a sword when I met you. You spent the better part of half a year learning." I ran my fingers over the markings on his thin arms. "You were much skinnier, certainly. I almost stared trying to sneak you food, but you quickly started scolding me for the thought of getting anywhere near magisters."

"You were skinnier too. If you ever caught something to feed your family, you never kept it for yourself. You'd always make sure every one else had eaten before you did. It made me worry for you."

That night, long after the others had gone to sleep, we sat under a tree and went over memories I'd thought were gone forever. I reminded Fenris of the time we had made a small picnic for his birthday, and he'd told me about the one time he'd seen me in the market before we'd officially met.

"The boys were –" he suddenly stopped, another memory coming to mind.

"What?" I asked, grabbing his hand. "What did they do?"

"It's nothing." He looked at me and saw that I wasn't going to take that. After a long glowering competition, he caved. "Two days after we kissed, I heard some boys talking about you. The tings they said . . .they made my blood boil. They were thinking of paying you a visit. I'm pretty sure it was the first time I'd ever hit anyone. By the time I'd calmed down enough to stop, I think they were half dead. The second time I saw you in the market, they saw you too. You could tell they were thinking of coming over to talk to you, but I made sure to brush by one of their shoulders before leaving."

I gasped. "_You're _the one who beat up Carl and Wane?" He nodded sheepishly, ashamed of his temper. I quickly hugged him and gave him the best kiss I could at the time.

"If that's the reward I get for beating random people up, I ought to do it more often," he chuckle, wrapping an arm around my waist.

"They weren't 'random'." I clarified. "They were asses. They kept fallowing me around town and making all these rude comments. One day, though, my father heard that they got beaten up and all they would say was that it was some elf. After that, they became so much easier to handle! They refused to come anywhere near me and if I went near them, they'd find some excuse to run away." I gave him another kiss. "You, Love, were a knight in shinning armor as far as I'm concerned."

After that day, Fenris and I became so much closer. We never spoke of Hadriana's statement on _why _Fenris got his marks. The one time I brought it up, he merely said. "I am free and we are together. If these markings brought that about, then I can no longer curse them."

A part of me wanted to apologize to him. Technically, Hadriana was right. I had been the reason why Fenris had gotten the marks, but I never had the heart to bring up that particular aspect of our relationship.

Fenris didn't move out of his mansion. Aveline and Varric were always begging me to make him (Aveline because she didn't like the paper work it brought, and Varric because he was losing enough money making sure that Merrill didn't get mugged in lowtown) but I didn't have the heart to. He was waiting there. No matter how happy I made him, how much love I gave him, he still had that score to settle with Denarius.

"I can't let this go, Sarah," he said, making sure to use my given name to show how serious he was. "Not after what he's done to you," he traced the markings on my face. "He took away your memory! He chased me out of your life and did not even give use the luxury or remembering anything that happened!" He looked me in the eye. "He didn't let me remember how you looked, how you felt. I couldn't remember the way you rant on about little things or how terrible you were at lying to me. I couldn't remember the locket you kept. I couldn't . . .I couldn't remember how to love you when I saw you again."

I sighed heavily. "How dare you use emotional logic on me?" I asked, mocking anger before my voice turned sober. "Now I _have _to let you stay." He smiled at his victory. "Don't you dare think that this is over, though," I said. "You can't stay here forever, Fenris. I will buy this house it I have to, but I will not let your stubbornness get you thrown in a jail cell!"

"I know," he said, pulling me in for a kiss. "I know."

That was the end of it. Sure, we fought. I knew that he was not the same Leto I had fallen in love with, but Fenris was as easy to love. It came naturally to me. I had an easier time loving him than I did breathing air.

Mother, however, did not take to him as much as I had hoped. She made that _very_ well know as we argued outside my door, he not knowing I had hidden Fenris inside.

"He's an elf!" She cried. "You are nobility!"

"You had no problem with him when he was my friend," I screeched back. "I'm just spending more time around him!"

"You can never marry an elf! Let alone an escaped slave! You are of the Amell bloodline, you belong with a nobleman!"

"I belong with Fenris," I cried. "I don't care what any foolish nobleman or anyone else has to say about it! I'm not changing my mind!" I took a deep breath to clam myself down and said in a voice I'm sure I never used in front of my mother. "I love him."

That was the first time my mother had ever slapped me. "You wish to ruin the little anonymity that we have here by loving the sole elf in hightown? Fine. Do not bother writing when the circle comes to find you."

I walked into the room and ran strait into Fenris's waiting arms. Never had mother and I had such a fight, and I wasn't sure if this one was going to blow over as soon as the other fights over suitors had.

The next day, I came home to find that she was missing. Automatically, I flew into action. Without even waiting for dark, I ran over to Fenris's mansion. "You get Varric, Isabela, and Merrill," I said, running towards the Vicount's tower, "I'll get Aveline and Anders."

We spent the entire day running through Kirkwall before Gamlin ran into the boy and we started actually getting somewhere. Where we ended, however, was far from where I wanted to be.

I do not remember the entire conversation. To be honest, I was barely listening. Especially after he showed me my mother, cut to pieces and sewn together like some monster from a legend. The others didn't even get a hit in. For the first time in my life, I threw my mana, pure, uncontrolled mana, at him. The sheer force of it, as nothing in this world is as strong as mana, sliced the man in half.

"I knew you would come," Mother said as I held her in my arms. "I never doubted it."

"Shhh," I said, ghosting my hands over her as I healed the damage. "I can save you. I know I can." I felt a hand on my shoulder as both Anders and Merrill tried to explain that she was already dead, and the only thing that had been keeping her here was that blood mage's magic, but I couldn't let it go. "No," I said. "I can't. I have to . . .I have to . . ."

"Hush, darling," she said. "I know. I want to tell you something."

"You can tell me when we get home," I said stubbornly.

"I wasn't mad at your choice dear. You have always been the best judge of character, and I know a good man when I see him."

"Mother stop. Don't talk like that,"

She continued on as if I hadn't spoken. "I was just frightened. With Bethany in the Circle and Carver looking after her, if they took you as well, who would look after little old me?"

"I'll always look after you mother," I said. "You know that!" I tried healing again. "There has to be a spell, there's always a spell!"

"There is no spell dear," she said, taking my hand in hers. "There is no magic spell to make the bad men go away, there's no words that can calm everyone down and get them to listen.

"You take after your father, what with your magic and your fighting, but you are your own as well. Ever since you saw those apostate refugees and templars, you've had this unsatable need to save everyone, to keep everyone at peace.

"You have never been afraid of your own death, yet you almost freeze in fear of another's. You _must _get past that. You must see that not everyone can live together as you have hoped. Oh, my child, I wish it could be different, but I cannot make it so.

"Fenris," she said, calling him by his name for the first time since she'd learned of our affair. She waited until he kneeled down. "I am no fool. I know why my daughter would not let me into her room the night of our fight, and I do not pretend to think that I did not have reasons to say such things with you near by.

"You will take care of my little girl," she said, her voice strong and heavy. "You will take care of my little girl or, so help me boy, you'll have an army of ghosts knocking at your door."

"I will," he promised. And, with the reassurance that someone would protect her little girl, my mother faded from my grasp, and I was left with nothing but the disgusting shell that the mage had ruined.

She had said it. She had done in those last seconds what she had never done with me. She had acknowledged that I wasn't steel; that I had a bit of glass inside me that would never be as strong at the iron skin I put on.

That was the only time I ever cried in front of the others. The only time they had all placed a hand on my back and said nothing, but merely watched as I sobbed over the loss of the last of family the world had seen fit to leave me with.


End file.
